breaking free from codependency, perfectionism & people-pleasing - with Victoria Albina

podcast Feb 09, 2021

Do you feel guilty taking care of you or saying no? Do you diminish your wants and needs for others? Do you question yourself and overthink everything? Do you try to control those around you? If you answered yes to any of these, this episode is for you!!

This week, I have Victoria Albina, Certified Life Coach, Nurse Practitioner and Breathwork Meditation Guide, on the podcast to talk about breaking free from codependency, perfectionism and people-pleasing and reclaiming your joy. We had the BEST time recording this episode and could not stop finishing each other's sentences! It’s so juicy and powerful and I can’t wait for you to listen. You are seriously going to be mind blown by the magic and wisdom in this episode (ps. Get ready because you’re about to get to know yourself on a whole other level).

 

In this episode, you'll learn:

✧ How to unlearn the habit of deriving your self-worth from other people
✧ The connection between your health and your mindset and emotions
✧ The 3 A’s of healing perfectionism, codependency and people-pleasing
✧ What to do when it feels like you’re giving so much more than you’re getting
✧ Why you need to celebrate yourself
✧ It’s not your job to babysit other adults and how to trust them to have their own experience
✧ How to say no without feeling guilty

 

Guest Bio:

Victoria Albina is a certified life coach, nurse practitioner, and breath work meditation guide with the passion of helping women realize that they are their own best healers. So they can break free from codependency, perfectionism, people pleasing, and reclaim their joy. She also coach women to stop feeling anxious, exhausted and overwhelmed, so they can have better relationships with their partners, parents, and themselves. Taking care of her partner, parents, work, friends FIRST, leaving her with the measly crumbs leftover. She spent her life giving away her time and energy, wondering why she was always so exhausted.

 

Resources:

Follow me on Instagram @magneticallyyou

 

Links mentioned in this episode:

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Victoria's Links:

 

Instagram

Website

Feminist Wellness Guide

Feminist Wellness Podcast

 

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Work with me:

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Full Episode Transcript:

Welcome to the magnetically you podcast. My name is Madison Surdyke. I'm a master mindset coach and food freedom expert. You're in the right place. If you want to manifest a life It means you jump out of bed excited if every morning, reprogram your mind for success and happiness, do your best and become magnetic to everything you desire. For me healing my relationship with food was my gateway into mindset, spiritual and personal development. And now I am obsessed. And then I realized the same thing became true for so many of the women. I've coached through my course the subtle art of food freedom, and doing the inner work around food became about so much more than food for all of us. So that's what this podcast is really about that expansion, expanding that inner work to all areas of our life so that we can become the most magnetic confident versions of ourselves and achieve our biggest dreams. If you're like me, and you're obsessed with personal development, then you are going to love this podcast. So let's freakin do this.

Hi, and welcome back to the magnetically you podcast. I'm super pumped to have Victoria Albina here today. So she's a certified life coach, nurse practitioner and breathwork meditation guide with a passion for helping women realize that they're their own best healers, so they can break free from codependency at perfectionism. People pleasing and reclaim their joy. So we were just chatting before we hit record. And we already have so much to talk about. I'm super excited to dive into I definitely think we're aligned in so many ways. And I found Victoria. She was a guest on Natalia Benson's podcast, you know, you guys know I talked about Natalia all the time, and absolutely loved Victoria story and her just mindset and energy. So I'm really excited to have her here. So I will hand it over to you, Victoria, to tell us a little bit more about you and your journey and kind of what led you to doing what you're doing today. Yeah, well, thank you so much for having me. I'm so delighted to be here, Madison, it's such a pleasure to talk with you. And I love that you involved Natalia. She's so amazing. Yeah, so my story. So I came to do the work that I do, because I was really, really sick. So I had wicked bad IBS, irritable bowel syndrome, all sorts of digestive issues, chronic joint pain, and depression and anxiety that comes along with having a really messed up gut microbiome. And so I've always been a nerd since I was a little girl I loved like reading the encyclopedia like total nerd cake. And so I was really interested in health and wellness and what that could possibly mean in our lives. And I was also searching for answers for my own health. So I studied public health, I got a Master's in Public Health, I became a nurse practitioner, as you mentioned, went to UCSF and worked in primary care for many years later transitioned to doing holistic hair functional medicine. While my health improved using the tools of functional medicine and all the nerdy stuff I had learned, I would get better and relax, get better and relapse, right. Like I'd kill off the bugs, I'd feel great, like not have digestive problems. And I noticed a pattern. something would happen in a relationship, and I mean relationships broadly, at work with whomever I was dating with a family member with a friend, something would happen, and all of a sudden I'd have a bellyache. Right and I'd have weeks of wicked bad heartburn. I'm gonna keep saying wicked because I'm from the great state of Rhode Island. So you got to say wicked a lot. Love it.

Right, I'm gonna have to adopt that word. And just make sure you translate to the west coast. It's hella, so they get confused. But anyway, to keep that in mind, don't confuse California. It's a big. So yeah, so I started to see what I now recognize as a very obvious pattern. This interplay between my digestive wellness, inflammation, pain, and my mindset, my emotions, my thoughts about the world. And by recognizing that within myself, I started to see my own codependency, perfectionism and people pleasing, and how those mindsets those habitual ways of thinking about myself in the world, were really profoundly impacting my physiology, my health, my wellness, my mood, everything everything in my life. And so I do the work I do now to help others to see these patterns in their own lives, so they can begin to break free. Oh my gosh, I love this so much. And I relate to it so much, because a few, probably like, I guess like, whenever it was a few years ago, I struggled with disordered eating. And in high school, I had kind of like a full blown eating disorder. And after college, it's still kind of just like, wasn't healed. And I kept thinking, like, I got to cut the glue. And now it's the glue and Oh, God, good. The dairy Oh, it's the dairy once you get all these, like, tests, and what are those things called sensitivity tests, right? And they did the elimination diets and like, it must be the cashews. Right? Like those, you know, the weirdest stuff, but I genuinely thought like, it must be this, it must be that and what I realized through my own healing journey with food was that, like you said, it was the exact same thing. It was my mindset, my energy, my thoughts, and I realized that like, I thought, like, I my digestion is terrible, because I eat this or that. And it was like, No, my digestion was a directly correlated to how I was thinking about food, how I was thinking about my body, how is think about myself how I was thinking about the world, like it would became so it was so interconnected. And I just realized that when I was more deliberate, intentional and and choosing the thoughts, I wanted to think like, all of my physical issues disappear, like I was having chronic back pain and anxiety and all these eating disorder issues to having none of those issues. And it wasn't it, it's not like I changed all this stuff. On the outside, it was like all the changes were coming from the inside. So I would love if you could dive into that a little bit about how how, like you were saying, before we hit record that like mindset, and our thoughts can be in our emotions can be our best medicine? Oh, absolutely. I do think it's really important to make note, our mindset is, is a vital part of changing our wellness. And I think it can, we can send this message that if you are still suffering with physical symptoms, it's because you're not doing enough mindset work. And I just want to always be really clear. I had a parasite, I had blastocystis, hominess, swimming around in my gut. I have immunoglobulin responses to different foods. So it is, in my opinion, the interplay of the both right, yeah, I don't want someone with Lyme disease to walk away being like, well, if I just manifest no chronic pain, but they're still brilliant in my bloodstream, that I'll be fine. Right? We need both. And I think that's what we've lost track of systemically, right? It's either this focus on the body on the soma on the physiology, or the mind and not realizing the interplay. So mind body is one and we need lab work, right? If you have low vitamin D, like, you're going to be tired. Yeah, just your mindset. But if you're walking around being like, Oh, I'm so exhausted all the time. And you're, you're feeding into that neural loop in your mind. I'm, I'm exhausted, I'm exhausted. I'm exhausted. It is fueling that fire. Right. But looking at it from both sides. Yeah, it's such it's like, we can't even begin to narrow down like, it was this, like, it was that it was it was just the mindset that solved everything. It's like, it's so much more holistic than that. I'm really glad you brought that up. It's, it's everything, it's so much more than just what you're eating or just what you're thinking, or just the environment or just saw it's, it's all of it connected. Agreed. Yeah, perfectly said all of it. Yeah. So I would like to dive into I know, you help people a lot with perfectionism and codependency and people pleasing. So I would love to hear how, like why you work specifically with those things and how it kind of like connects to this conversation we were just having, absolutely. So, you know, you do it, you know. So I very much had these thought habits. And I would define the the central wound of all three, as sourcing our wellness, our sense of self or worth and worthiness in the world, from other people. So whether you are codependent me are in a codependent mindset, right because my whole framing is that no one is codependent or is a perfectionist. These are

Simply mindset habits, right? They're just thoughts. It doesn't. I don't think it needs to define you. And I don't think it's healthy to do so. Because when we do that, well, we're kind of positing that there's no out, right? Like, Oh, well, that's who I am. It's how I am. Right? Yeah. So these things are mutable, right? They are changeable, our brains have neuroplasticity, the capacity to change and grow. And that's magnificent. So, I work with these issues, because these are the issues of my lifetime, right of this human experience I'm having is having these three frameworks, as the drivers for my social interactions, my interpersonal interactions, my thinking about myself and my, my notion of who I am in the world, and what I need to get love, and source value. And in working through those things, I have gotten to this place of much more significant self love this understanding that my self worth is, you know, the calls coming from inside the house, right? And so when I turned to me to source love, then that's something no one can take away from me. Right? It doesn't matter what the circumstances in life are. So to bring it back, like you asked to wellness, to physical health, when I was having these digestive concerns, so often the story within me was, my digestion is a mess, oh, my body just hates me, right? All this negativity towards this amazing human vessel I've been granted, which is like, such a wild gift to have a human form. And I was telling this story that was me against my body. Right. And the perfectionism was driving that desire to have perfect digestion, right to never have gas to like, expect my body to do things that are just not what bodies do. And the ways codependency and people pleasing, played into this, and keeping me sick, was chronically putting other people's wants and needs ahead of my own. I remember so many times, like, in my 20s, going on a date, and someone was like, oh, let's get Mexican. And I was like, okay, knowing I was gonna be sick for three days, right. But I wanted them to like me, I wanted them to be happy with me, I wanted them to think well of me. I wanted their validation, more than I actually wanted my own wellness, right? That was more important than me saying, nah, no, no, we're not doing that we're not getting Italian, or we're not like whatever it is, that was more important than me truly, deeply taking care of myself, because it didn't feel like the right thing to do.

So really breaking free of that need for other people to validate me or prove that I'm lovable, has led me to be able to set really healthy boundaries for myself, to speak up when something doesn't work for me. And to really get to know myself, my wants and my needs. Because in this framework, so, so many of my client, I hear this all day, like, I would ask for what I wanted, but I don't know what it is. Because we've stuffed it down for so long that we can't even allow ourselves to go there. Yeah, it seems like, right, when you know, you've always gone along with what everyone else wants when you've gone along to get along kind of thing. Yeah, it's very confusing to our mind body to be asked, What do you actually want. And in my 20s and early 30s, I honestly had no clue. I honestly was like, I don't, I don't know what I want. I want whatever you want me to want, right? Like I run a six month program about overcoming codependency and I was sharing the story the other day, but in my early 20s, part of my own healing and recovery and getting back into my body was I started going to the gym for the first time like since it was forced in high school, and was like really getting into taking care of myself in this way. And I was going every morning and it felt so great. And it was really for the first time from a place of body love and not like a disordered concept of self and proving myself and all of that. And I started dating this kid called jack and I probably shouldn't have just used their real name but whatever I did. I just love it could be any jack in the world. Any jack right in Boston in 2003. But anyway, this person like was like wait, you go to the gym every day. And I was like, Yeah, I really love it. And I remember they were like, Oh, well I just like I really privileged. The life of the mind. Like this obsession with the body and like really was like, effectively it's not cool that you go to the gym. That's for jocks. Like with Madison, I stopped going to the gym. Wow. I just like was like oh yeah, no, that's read books. Yeah, we don't go to the out of the gym. losers. I guess that's dumb people. Right. Wow. Right? It's crazy. I mean, it's all Yeah, I mean like it's bananas. It's crazy, but it's not Yeah, right it makes perfect sense if you're if the barometer of safety, right and we source safety by feeling loved as mammals, right humans are pack animals. And if that barometer of safety is the creature who wants to show me love their opinion, their values? What matters to them? That should matter to me, then like it makes perfect sense, right? Like it is the logical conclusion that I should play Jim, so that I can source love affection? Praise from this other human?

Yes. Oh my gosh. And I think like, yeah, so many people do this, I've definitely fallen into it. myself. And I've had lots of clients go through these same things like these are very normal experiences to have. And so like, if you're feeling this way, like it's normal, you're not the loser at the gym. Okay, so I wanted to ask you like, when what shifted for you when you know, there was the time where you were deriving your value and your worth, from like these other people, these things outside of you, to them being able to source that like love and value from within yourself. Like how did you make that shift? Well, it started with, as these things often do a very brave and loving friend, my friend, Becca, real name, they'd love to Becca Salman sat me down and was like, Listen, do you know what codependency is? And I was like, I think that's like what the wives of alcoholics do. And she was like, okay, so sure. But also, it you. I was like, but I was also like, But wait, do you think I'm not? Right? Yeah, very right. In that moment. What's your opinion of me that the most important thing is like, Hello, honey, honey, honey, very gentle, very loving, but really direct. And I'm so infinitely grateful to her. And, you know, this was before the world of podcasting. And I think people hear these messages now through shows, and we didn't have social media back then. But you know, seeing messages of like, this is what this looks like. And it's not just for those people over there. So that's a great gift. But the process was awareness, acceptance, action. So So I teach my clients all day long, the three A's It is very American, to jump to action on New Year's resolutions, how's How are those going now? And let's check in 25 days later, how's that? That's okay, you're not doing that. So we try to jump to action as though that could change our lives forgetting that. You'll have the same mindset if you don't pause. Right. So I spent quite some time in that awareness phase of really becoming my own watcher, and really learning how and allowing myself to see myself to get metta with my thoughts, right to ask myself, do I like this thought? Is this thought evidence of codependent thinking of perfectionism? Am I attempting to put someone else's opinion or needs or wants above my own? Like, is this law? Not you know, we can get lost in this, like, Oh, I'm broken hypercritical framework for ourselves. But it wasn't that at all. It was a real gentle calling in verses that I'm broken calling out and through that process, I started to see it right to see where I was trying to make people happy with me where I was being a chameleon instead of being my authentic self, and authentic self being an ever changing, ever growing ever evolving. concept and framing.

But I could start to feel the difference of when I was in that that real me right of saying like you don't like what I'm doing but I'm doing it right. Like I'm taking care of me the way I need to. I can't I'm not going out this Friday night. I'm taking a bath. And if you think that's weird, that's fine. Okay, good for you like great, right? So really raising awareness, really stepping into that water. journal for myself in myself. From there comes the A that frankly sucks the most, I think, which is acceptance. And meaning really like really coming to terms with it really accepting that we have these thought habits, right that we, because we were wise, brilliant, amazing children and we learn to survive and thrive in our childhood and our adolescence as best we could. When we learn these modalities, these ways of being and showing up and accepting that that's really a part of us can be so challenging. Yeah, and it's like the server does at some point like right we adopted these thoughts these beliefs ism is because there was a point in time where it served us so we can be grateful or like great, I'm I did this it served me and now I'm ready to release this and move on and choose something new. Choose something that's going to serve me more choose something that's going to serve me at my next level. Love that. Perfect. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. So accepting that it's real. And that was, you know, there were some really challenging moments of their of being like, Oh, I just did that thing again. Oh, I just offered to do something I don't want to do. Oh, I just offered to give away my time, my energy, my money, my resources, my emotional labor, and the driver there. So learning also in that acceptance, process, awareness and acceptance, to ask myself why? Hey, Vic, why do you want to do that? No, no, but really why like becoming a really annoying three year old, like totally becoming a toddler music. But why? Why do you want to give her your time? Why? Right, and just drilling down on it with love and gentleness? Because the answer I would always get to when I got really, really real with it was I want her to like me, I want them to approve of me. I want him to think I'm smart enough. Right? I want them to think I am good looking or I'm savvy or I'm like politically on the right side of things. Or I'm you know, like, all these optics that we don't realize are creating the framework, the foundation, the bedrock of who we are in the world. Yeah, it's it's like it's like all parts of who, like you are in that place is coming from the place of avoiding rejection, your decisions, your thoughts, your actions, it's all centered around the avoidance of rejection. And when all your energy and focus is placed on avoiding rejection, it's like what are you missing out on? And I think I was writing an email earlier today about this. And it's like, you know, it's like I call it like shifting from playing not to lose to playing to win Are you playing not to lose where everything you do is based on avoiding rejection, avoiding failure, avoiding seeing, maybe you're not actually capable of it? Or are you playing to win giving yourself a chance of letting it be okay that you fail going all in on you taking a chance on your self like looking after yourself and your needs and your wants and focusing on creating the life that you want to create and living the life that you want to be living not the life that someone else told you. You're supposed to be living or the life that's going to make someone else happy. It's like Who are we living for really, so powerful, so powerful to go all former hospice nurse on it.

I never want sat at someone's deathbed and I have said it many, many, many a deathbed and had someone say, I'm so glad I didn't go to the grad school I wanted to and became a dentist instead. I'm so glad I never followed my dreams of dancing because my dad really disapproved of it. Like, right? Yeah, I'm so glad I never went after my dreams, because then I never failed. Oh, my God. Yes, yes. And I love that you said, right, not doing something because then you'll find out that you're not capable of it. And that's the scary thing. And I think one of the most liberating things in my life, is to recognize that I can't do all sorts of stuff. And nor do I want to write like, I have no business doing my own taxes. Right? Like I should not, I don't want to a number one and our passion and drive should be our guiding North Star. And that's not my skill set. It's not my zone of genius, right? And from that perfectionist, thought, fantasy kind of mindset. My brain was telling the story, I have to do everything and then codependency steps and I have to do everything because no one else does. And no one else can do it as well as I can. And then people pleasing if I do all the things myself that people will see how capable I am from that place and fearing that I'm not capable. It's all a big old clusterfuck. And I'm just about to say like, Oh my gosh, these three things are interrelated. Like I, I always resonated with resonated as the right word, but saw the perfectionist tendencies and myself. And honestly, like I saw maybe a little people pleasing too. But it's like this conversation is like helping me see that it was never just the perfectionist tendencies. It was all of these combined, playing out together. And it's Yeah, it's so interesting. I love what you said about using your passions. As your North Star. Can you talk a little bit more about that? I love it. Yes, it has been just like, it's one of those daily mantras, I copy it, like I write over and over and over every day, allow what you want. Allow your passions to be your guiding Northstar. And live into that. So my clients will often come to me, they'll be like, well, I want to do this thing. But like, I don't know if I should I don't know if it's a good idea, right? There's all the the butts in the shirts and the the barriers, right? Those limiting beliefs, those stories get in the way of are simply saying, I want this and that's okay. Right. And so, in my six month program, a woman was saying the other day that she wants to break up with her boyfriend. And she was like, I really just don't want to be with him. I want to break up with him. And then her brain did what it's supposed to nothing went wrong. her brain started interjecting with all these stories. Well, he's a nice guy. And he's this and he's lying. Bah, bah, bah. And I was like, Alright, let's go with it listed all out. Take a look at it, you know, in black and white pen to paper. Look at it. He has all these phenomenal attributes. Do you want to be with him? And she was like, no. I was like, cool, you should follow it that right? You should let that internal guidance, that wisdom, that intuition, and your desires guide you. And every time we do that, whether it's saying I'm going to the gym, right? Like my sister, we work out together four days a week over zoom. It's like the cutest thing ever. And she says it's so adorable.

Right? And she says to her husband, I need you to watch the boys. Right? This matters to me. Yeah, right. But we let that worry that someone else won't like it. And then as you so wisely said, they will reject us, they will abandon us, and the dot dot dot that our nervous system fills in. Because the autonomic nervous system jumps right to attention there is I will die cold and alone on a mountaintop, like immediately or maybe sooner, probably sooner. Our brains literally think that's right, our lizard brain is like I am here to protect you. Everything will kill you. And the people happy. Right? So it's a nervous system. And of course, right living into these archetypes, these stories about what women should be our socialization, our conditioning. And it often keeps us from living with the joy and passion and happiness that is so wildly available. We just get to choose that right? Yes, we get to choose it. Like we get to have it we get to create it. We're so much more capable than we think we are. And I think what a lot of times too, is we're more capable than we think we are. And I think sometimes some of us at least I know for myself, like my dreams are so big. Like I have such a big vision for myself that it like, it's almost like the opposite kind of thing to where it feels so big where it's like, you don't want to like if you go for it, and it doesn't work out, then it's like you don't want it to come back on you like you don't want to take Blame It feels like blame when really it's not there's nothing to do with blame. It's just taking responsibility. Like we get to create, we get to choose if things don't go the way we want them to like Okay, great. Can we come back to awareness and acceptance? And then can we take action towards what it is that we want? And I think so often we want to know which are the right actions that are going to lead me to where I want to go and we never know it's just like we have to just try and see and it's like awareness and acceptance like underneath that infuses your actions from a place of I am good enough now and I'm acting To see what I'm capable of, rather than I am acting because I need something outside of me to tell me that I'm like capable and we're capable and worthy and validated.

Hey, so I hope you're enjoying the episode. Before we get back to it, I want to quickly tell you about one decision that literally changed my life for freaking ever. So I wanted to start a business for years before I actually did anything about it. But then I met Kate, a full time blogger who was making six figures. And by the end of our coffee day, my decision was made, I was starting my business no matter how terrified I was, because I knew I was meant for more. And looking back, I've realized that not making a decision to move towards your dreams is a decision, it's a decision to remain where you are, I seriously can hardly recognize that version of me or my life five years ago, and it just feels so good to be living the life I actually want to be living. And it was all because I was willing to make that one decision to move closer towards what really led me up. And I want this for you too. And I know you're ready for it. So there's a link in the show notes for you to book a free consult with me. And this call might just be your coffee date with Kate that changes everything. So I can't wait to talk to you. The link is in the show notes. I will speak with you soon.

Totally, totally. And I think it's really important to say that, due to our each of our individual social location, and whatever systems of oppression we are working within and are subject to, we do sometimes have to make prudent choices that may not be quitting our day job or quitting one of our three day jobs, right? And like going for the big dream. But we can make the prudent choice, right? Like I'm going to continue to work this nine to five I don't love and today I'm going to do it with a little like 1% less hate in my heart. 1% less hate 1% less annoyance 1% less frustration. Let me take that 1% of my own energy, that I'm not spending hating working at this office or whatever it is. And I'm going to use that to begin to fuel the teeny tiny steps towards my dreams. Oh my gosh, that is so so good. I was listening to an episode from Sam lar Brown. I don't know if you know her. She has a podcast called the perfectionism project. And she was talking about leaving, wanting to leave her corporate job and hating her job at the time she was in. And she said that she heard this quote in yoga. And it was like if you feel like you could stay like at the end of yoga. So you're in Shavasana you're laying there, you're just like stillness and like some people want to like get out of that. They don't want to be in the stillness, they want to run out of the room. Other people are like, Okay, I'm chilling in Shavasana. It's like, if you feel like you could stay, then you're ready to leave. If you feel like you're in a rush to leave and you have to get out now then there's something still there for you. You like there's something so for you, there's so growth for you. And I found that to be so true with my journey and like kind of like moving towards following my dreams is like I hated my corporate job so much. I was so miserable. I'm like they're out to get me they're bullies. And this is like, I hate this, Lola, all this stuff. And over the last probably like eight months, I've been so focused on how can I make the best of this? How can I enjoy this? How can I learn from this? How can I? How can I let this be okay, like, what's that? Like? You said that 1%? Like, how can I choose to see the good in this? What is the miracle in this? What can I choose to appreciate and be grateful for? And what am I right? What am I rushing from? What am I running to that I think I'm going to get somewhere else? And if I think it's going to come from somewhere else, then I got to figure out how to find that within me here. Because if I just rushed to the somewhere else, I'm taking my brain with me, you know what I mean? And I actually just made the decision a couple days ago, I put in my notice for my job. So super pumped about that. And what allowed me to get to that place was that acceptance of like, just that 1% like every single day that 1% of like, how can I do this with less like, hate and anger and frustration and just be accepting and grateful. And it finally opens me up to get to that place where I was finally ready to leave because I no longer was trying to like run out the door. right because I thought leaving was going to solve all my problems. Like it never does the changing the circumstances. Never does so. Yeah. So interesting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a beautiful thing to start to sit with, right because a lot of my clients coming from this background. Their bodies are so prime

Go into sympathetic activation into fight or flight. And so it is this delicate self loving dance of tapping into that inner wisdom that tells you when it is actually time to leave, right. So we tend to either overstay while full of rage and hate or run at the drop of a hat right in that self protective fleeing kind of energy. And learning to anchor ourselves in ventral vagal which is the safe and secure part of our nervous system. When, by the way when we're in ventral vagal It's when our digestion, our thyroid, our periods, all that our brains all work optimally. So anchoring ourselves coming home to ourselves in that ventral vagal connecting in with ourselves with love. Get helps to give us that clarity. Right? Do I need to leave because this situation doesn't serve me? Right? Am I actually being bullied? Like, is this actually a setting that doesn't serve me? Or is this my perception? Is this me doing a thing that codependent thinkers love taking everything personally, right? Yeah. Everyone's gonna get me. Right. And like, but the the flip of that is that sometimes we don't realize when we actually are the victim. Yeah, right. Right. Totally. Right. And so again, that coming home to like, body Tell me wisdom down the intuition. Tell me what's true here, right? Yeah, what's up? person? Oh, my gosh, it really is such a dance. And, you know, there's no, there's never a right or wrong decision. Like you get to make the decision that feels right for you. And then you get to have your back through the, whatever comes after the decision. God, I love that. I love that. And I think that's where I faltered. And where my clients falter so often is not realizing that that is that critical, vital, imperative. First step is coming to trust yourself, to have your back. Right. And, and I believe that starts with I teach the concept of the minimum baseline, right? What is the smallest thing that I can commit to doing for me for myself love today and every day, not with the goal of like drinking more water or going to the gym, those things are great. Do that if that resonates for you. But the goal here is I said that I would have one glass of water today, and I am having it. I am doing it. So then you trust yourself to do the next thing. And the next. Right. Of course, we can't trust ourselves if we're trying to get it all perfect, because we never will. And therefore if we think we have to get it perfect, then we never can develop that trust. Oh my gosh, just me like, right, right? Yeah, my gosh. Wow. And it's like, yeah, by being like, okay, what's like the one thing I could do? Like you were saying, it's like, you get to build that trust muscle? like of course you don't trust yourself to have it all perfect. No one does. Exactly. And a key part of doing this is celebrating, because from these mindsets where our worth and value our goodness is external. Of course you don't celebrate yourself. Of course you don't pause right if you're on that you're limping along on that perfectionist hamster wheel. Like, of course you don't stop to be like, good job, Madison, way to go back like, Hey, good job. You. You put in a lot of effort there, like the thing failed, or the thing went well, but you built that trust muscle you showed up for you. So it's a thing we do. We have a slack group in my program, and we literally like every day, just populate it with celebrations and wins celebrations and wins victories. What did I do today? That was right effort. That was me showing up for me. Regardless of the outcome. It feels like kind of trite to say like, it's life changing. Like it's actually life changing. It changes your life. For you to be your own cheerleader. It's it's a form of re parenting right is being the cheerleader that's so many of us wish we had or if we got cheerleading for getting the A plus getting the lead getting the whatever sports word, shifting that story to like, you know, I showed up and I ate a vegetable today. I'm gonna celebrate that right like the brain on what's important. what's what's like valuable for you and nutrient that's part of like celebrating is part of training your brain to trust yourself.

Because if you celebrate that you showed up for yourself, regardless of the outcome, you're training your brain to say, Hey, I can trust myself. It's safe to trust myself and celebrating to, I think tells our brain it's safe to receive. It's safe to let it be good. It's safe to be proud of myself. It's you know what I mean? Like, yeah, because when we're in that, like people pleaser place, it's so about everyone else. And we're not even taking the time to, like, yes, celebrate ourselves and open ourselves up to receiving but we are so focused on giving to other people. What if we gave that to ourselves? What if? What if, right? What if we lived from me first, you second with love. Right? column with love with love, right? Because it's got a for me in my life. When I make these choices, from a place of love, then I am in compassion. I'm in my authenticity, because I'm a being a vessel of love and let you know like, that's I am that and I live into that every day. So when we are choosing ourselves, we are showing up with love for ourselves, for the people we love for the universe, because the opposite is resentment, annoyance, anger, resentment, again, feeling pulled out feeling like that victim martyr savior saint, let me say resentment again. Right. It's it's poison for ourselves in our relationships, and not just the self trust, but it's poison for our trust in other people and their trust in us. Right? Because if you're like, yeah, I'll help you move. And then you're complaining the whole time. You're annoyed afterwards. Right? Like, oh, I helped you move. And now you won't help me do this. That that is there's a rupture in trust there. Right? versus just saying, No, I don't want to help you move on. I love you. I'm happy to help you move. You don't need to do anything to prove that, that you love me in this same way. I'm just going to trust that. I'm going to do it because I want to not because codependent thinking and not to continue fueling that fire of resentment. Oh my gosh, yes. I definitely noticed myself sometimes or like even just little things. My fiance will be like, oh, like, do you want to go on a walk? And I know, he really wants me to go and I really, really just want to take a bath. Like, maybe all you know, it's a lot of times it feels like okay, don't go and then be like, Oh my god, I should have gone like, just feeling guilty. Or it's like you do go and then there's like the resentment of like, Oh my god, I'm so tired. I was like, oh, and it's like, holy. Like, can we just like, zoom out from that? I would love to hear your thoughts on like how we can say no without guilt.

And say yes, without risk. Well, it's the same thing, right? You know, if you when you trust yourself, to function, from your integrity, from your intuition, from your self love, and from love of others, you can trust yourself to say yes, when you mean it and know when you mean it. Right? Like to really speak from that anchored, grounded sense of self. And that trust that when you are taking care of you, you are taking care of the people you love. Right? Because again, when we don't resentment, but also burnout. Also the right let's talk about adrenals right? Like that's when we go into fatigue states that's when we're not available when we chronically say yes. Or say no and feel that guilt and shame, right? guilt being I did something wrong, shame being I am something wrong, right? We personally again, take it personally make it about us. When we are operating from those places, it is exhausting for my body and spirit. And then we are actually on the couch sick, burnt out unable to function and to show up for when we want to say Yes, right. So the guilt comes from thinking that it's like I'm perpetuating oh my god right. Like fueling that fire. That just sucks and so I think the guilt for saying no comes from thinking that from obligation right from think that that martyr savior saint I have to do these things, or other people will think think badly of bad of me, right? They'll think poorly of me. This is a one I hear all the time. If I don't go with him to the supermarket, and remind him to put his mask on, he won't put his mask on, and then he's gonna get sick. That woman brought this up in my program like two weeks ago around her dad, and going into the store. And I was like, he's a grown ass man. Right? He's going to do what he's going to do. And I mean, side note, we're not talking about children. We're not talking about people with like deficient, like, people who cannot do these things for themselves. I'm talking about a woman, right, a 24 year old woman and her 56 year old dad like, right? It is not our job to babysit other adults. It is not our job to fix them or fix their lives or manage their lives. And I think that comes into play here. Right? Like, oh, he won't go for a walk if I don't say yes. So it's, Oh, my God. Right? Right. Can we trust the other? Can we trust people in our life, to have their own process to do what they need to do to be an adult to make their own decisions to have their own failures and learn from them? Like, can we let them have it? Like, I was talking to this about my fiance last night, his cousin is trying to get a job. And he's really having a hard time getting a job. And my fiance is like, Oh, my gosh, like, I really want to help him like, what do we what do we do? And I'm like, well, we can but at the same time, like he's in at all we can trust him to figure it out. He can he can make the decisions that are right for him like he will. He's being guided, he will end up where he's meant to like, you know, it's just Yeah.

Right, well, and I think what people don't realize is how, frankly, how paternalistic and infantilizing it is to think we need to manage other people's lives for them or fix their lives in some way. Versus like you said, just trusting that they will do what they believe to be right for them. And like, obviously, if like, you know, the Road Runners about to drop an anvil on someone's head, like you scream, watch out. But that's, again, not what we're talking about here, right? And so, I've totally done that in the past the cousin situation like, okay, send me your resume, and I will talk to everyone I know in your field, and I'll post on LinkedIn for you. Right, and so we take ownership again, right, we keep circling back to the same thing, we take ownership for someone else's problem. Because if we can fix their problem, they will love us think we're great. Take care of us, we won't die at cold and alone on the mountaintop. And they'll tell others about how dope we are. Right? And so we believe that we will get more social support by doing something that doesn't serve us and attempting to fix someone else's life or take over someone else's life manage their life, which is why we need to manage our own adult minds to recognize all these chronic habitual thought patterns that keep us in these loops of borrowing trouble, right taking on other people's, their thoughts, their feelings, their actions and their outcomes, as though they had actually anything to do with us. Yes, yeah. Yeah, a super common one I hear all the time is like, I'm so frustrated. My boyfriend, girlfriend, partner, whatever, doesn't floss doesn't eat. Well, doesn't exercise. I don't know if you hear this one. But I hear it. Oh, yeah. Right. And the taking that on as though it were our responsibility. Right to like, be their mom. Like, like, other adult humans? Yeah, yeah. And then we're like, but then with me, right? I don't want to be your mom. Well, it's like, well, you stepped into the mom role out right. Often what we're doing is we're trying to fill that role in our own lives, we don't realize that what we need is to reparent ourselves and attend to our own inner children, regulate our own nervous system, manage our own adult minds. Right. And so we tell the story, I just I want him to be healthy, but what are you doing to your own health band? Like get out of his business and and tension firmly back where it belongs, like, keep your eyes on your own paper? Right, like, let let others live their lives and really focus on living your work, which I say this casually like I please, I wrestled with us for so long. Like I get how complex and complicated this all is. And there's a point at which it starts to feel easy. 100% It's like, you know, like we were talking about earlier. It's like we don't have to go from zero to 100. We don't have to go from Girotti easy. It's like, what if justice listening to this episode is enough to get you started? What if just one thought shifts you had during this episode? was enough? Like, what if we didn't have to get it? Perfect and right all the time? Hey, yeah, and I think we have this cultural impatience right back to New Year's resolutions, right on December 31. I am a human who has not gone to the gym in this whole pandemic, as of tomorrow. CrossFit for four hours a day. Right. Right. Yeah, we think like the action is going to change our identity identity, and our thoughts about ourselves. And it's like, well, if we think going to CrossFit is going to make us happy and confident, then, what if we just focus directly on happiness and confidence? Like, yeah, you know what I mean, just start with that, that internal peace totally, and recognize, like, drop that in patience, right? These processes are slow. I mean, look at the pace of evolution on the planet, right? Like, it's slow, and it's slow, because that's how it is. And so there's, again, that acceptance piece is so huge, because we judge ourselves for not being like, immediately healed. And it's like, that's not how it works. Right? Like, yeah, it's like trying to like, you know, plant a garden and you plant the seeds. And then the next day, you come back and you're like, Where the fuck is the plant? And it's like, right, I like tomato is Yeah, it's like, you water it and you show up for it and you nourish it, and it will bloom, you trust that it will bloom. You don't worry. Is it blooming or is it not? Where is the plant? You said? I watered it. I nurtured it. It's blooming. We don't need to worry about it. We don't need to rush to it. The plant will bloom.

Yeah, nature is the most amazing teacher. Yeah, yeah, life takes the time it takes, right. And this is such a key one because I hear this all the time. I thought I had this piece of my mind set like fixed. And then I never came back. Right, like, so upset that I got upset again. I like heard myself being passive aggressive, and I'm so pissed at myself for it. I said yes. When I meant no. And I thought I was healed. And it's like, again, healing is not linear. It's not like a right. It's not like a chairlift right where you're like, boop, you're at the top of the mountain. That's it's an unreadable definition of healing, perfection, perfect healing, never have a negative thought again, or whatever is an unreadable definition of healing which goes back to the perfection is thing it's like we have these on mutable expectations and definitions for ourselves. So of course, it feels like we're never there yet, because we're always chasing something unrepeatable something outside of us the next thing now, it's, it's really real. And I think the more we can accept that, that's the process of like, as little step forward a little step back a step to the side shift, right, and start to see it as a series of small shifts, the better our lives will be because we can then start to trust ourselves to drop the judgment part. Yeah. And it's like we're humans. At the end of the day. It's like, our negative emotions aren't going to go away. Like, there's not going to be a day where we're just like, you know what, it's only good vibes here. Oh, my God. Yes. Yeah, that positive vibes only crap really just rubs me the wrong way. Because I don't I don't believe in negative emotions. Like I don't. I don't believe that any emotions are bad. I think they're all teachers and to take a page from the stoics we can say that life is 5050 50% joy and excitement and sunshine. And I mean, think about puppies, right? Like, they are so adorable, but they fucking bite and they pee on the carpet. They poop on your bed. They tear up the backseat of the car. Right? Like, like they're your best friend. The most loyal adorable perfect little hot mess ever. But we come to think and I think a lot of this you know is from social media, of like, life is we are doing this healing work. So that life will be incredible and amazing and happy all the time. And I just I don't think it's supposed to be that way. Right? Yeah, I think I've learned the most about myself when I've been like fully down the well and sobbing and working through it. Right and really like suffering in something which is not exalt suffering. Like I'm not saying you need to suffer. It doesn't need to be hard. But it's okay if it is. I think that's where I'm going. It's okay for things to feel terrible. To be okay, actually, it's okay for things to feel terrible. Yes. And it's such a dance and like life is this like? Like, I cannot say it's like a constant state of not there yet. Like there's no such thing as arriving. So we may as well enjoy the not not there yet if life is 5050 Well, who says that we can only enjoy the positive 50? What if we can enjoy the quote? Negative 50? What if it's not actually even negative? What if we're just a frickin human? human emotions? but also a puppy?

Can we be both? Yeah, well, okay. You have permission to be a puppy, fluffy puppy, and they just have sharp teeth, but also be adorable. My fiance says he's like, your, I would like to say it was 5050. But he's like, you're like 70%? spicy. It's 30%. Sweet. Okay, I'll take it. Like you like the spice, you know? Oh, my gosh, okay, this conversation was so, so good. And so I mean, I'm sure everyone's listening is gonna have so much to talk to us about. Before we wrap up. Is there anything that else sets on your heart to share anything we didn't get to talk about today? That's coming up for you. I'd love to share where people can find me. Is that what you mean? Yeah, well, that was gonna be the next. Okay, so if there's like a final thing to wrap up on, I would say this. Stop looking outside yourself for someone else to heal you. All the healing you need is within you. It always has been. It is natural and normal to want guides. That's that's a beautiful thing, right? someone to help you see your own mind. Because it's really challenging to see our habitual thoughts until someone else points them out. Which is why I have a coach and will always and forever have at least one coach like the best thing ever, right? Ever. It's It's amazing. I love getting coached is a man, right? Because I'll say these things as though they're facts. And she's like, Ah, it's not. And then it helps me to really just to again, see those patterns. And when I can see it, I can heal it. I can work with it. I can step into awareness, acceptance and action to change my own life. Yes. Right. Because otherwise, it's just like under the surface. And when it's under the surface, oftentimes it comes out of the service of self sabotage. But when we can bring it that awareness piece, it's no longer self sabotage. With that awareness, we now have a new choice to make going forward. Absolutely. Yeah. And it is it. It is wise to seek counsel and support and guidance from the place of not wanting anyone else or not thinking anyone else can heal you. Mm hmm. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, let me hire this coach and everything in my life is she is responsible for it. Like, like, yeah, you're not broken. You don't need to get fixed. But humans need humans. That's how our nervous systems work. So, yes, so good. I love this conversation so much.

So tell us where we can find you work with you hang out with you all the things. Yeah. So my podcast is called Feminist Wellness. It's on all of the channels, go check it out. It comes out every single week and it's a free show that I love doing to be of service. You can find me on the gram @victoriaalbinawellness. My program is the feminist wellness guide to overcoming codependency. It's a six month program, where I take folks through this process of learning to trust and deeply love ourselves and to source our wellness, our sense of self, our value from deep, deep, deep within and to anchor ourselves with a lot of science, a lot of nervous system talk and some good witchy Woo, to help you to come home to yourself and to keep coming home to you. You can find out more information about that at victoriaalbina.com/masterclass-2. And right on my homepage at victoriaalbina.com you can get a set of free meditations and some important Nervous System exercises for you if you're a person who's nervous system does not agree with Shavasana or meditation if that is too accurate. Waiting for you. That's totally cool. That's how bodies work. And so there's an orienting exercise in there that is just for you. Oh, very cool. Yes, everyone go check it out. Go follow her on Instagram and we would love to hear from you a screenshot this episode tag us on Instagram. Let us know your biggest takeaways, what you have maybe noticed within yourself what you are bringing awareness to. And yeah, thank you so much Victoria for being here. I loved this conversation. So Me too. Thank you so much for having me. Thank you.

I'm so grateful for your listening today. If this resonated with you, it would mean the world to me if you'd hit subscribe and then leave a review on iTunes and everybody is invited to the after party, which takes place every day on Instagram I medically you so come hang out with us there. And if you're really fired up about mindsets spiritual and personal development, head to magneticallyyou.com to check out all the fun stuff I have going on there like my coaching and courses, free workshops, all the good stuff and I will see you on the next episode.

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