My sexual trauma healing journey

podcast Sep 30, 2021

I'm so excited to finally be sharing this part of my story. When I was 11, I was sexually abused. I didn't tell anyone for 10 years and didn't tell my family until just recently. The healing journey I've been on has been a wild roller coaster but I am also deeply grateful for it all. I feel more free, powerful and alive than I ever have and with every day, I let go of more of what's no longer serving me and expand my capacity for even more freedom, joy and abundance.

 

I share this because I want you to know that you CAN heal and transform anything in your life.

 

One day you’ll thank whatever has happened to you for showing you that you aren’t available to give your power away to anything or anyone outside of you.

 

Please share this with anyone who you feel would benefit from this episode. And for anyone who's experienced something similar, I am sending you so much love.

 

In this episode, you'll learn:

✧ How my unprocessed trauma manifested as physical symptoms like anxiety, back pain and eczema
✧ What my first life coach helped me understand about my trauma that changed my life forever
✧ How I decided to tell my family after 15 years of keeping it a "secret"
✧ How I navigated the difficult emotions and fears that came up with the thought of sharing my story
✧ How I navigated the difficult emotions and fears that came up with the thought of sharing my story
✧ How I navigated setting clear boundaries with the person who did this to me
✧ The tools I used to heal from sexual trauma and what that journey was like for me
✧ Why I'm grateful for what happened to me
✧ Why I'm SO glad I told my family and am now sharing my story
✧ How I used this experience to grow, heal generational trauma and create a life beyond my wildest dreams

 

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Full Episode Transcript:

Hello and welcome to the magnetical you podcast I'm your host Madison cert I am a mindset energy coach here to help you feel your freaking best and manifest a life full of magic miracles and abundance. I know that whatever led you here did not happen by coincidence so I am so excited and grateful to have you here so let's let the magic begin. I and welcome to the magnetically you podcast I am excited for this podcast It's been a long time coming and I am going to be sharing the part of my story that I have left out so I've recorded some other episodes about my like just story and journey and like what kind of led me on the past to tell my life unfolded and my business and all the things and there's one part of the story that I have not shared yet that I'm ready to share and I'm really excited to share and I know so many people are going to just find like healing and me sharing this and and that feels really really good. So here we go. So when I was around like 11 years old I don't really know exactly how old because I did my best to erase the memory and that didn't quite work out so well. But I experienced sexual abuse once when I was around 11 and just completely shut down after that I didn't tell anyone I didn't know what to do as an 11 year old I was not equipped with the tools and the emotional processing ability to to move through that and heal that and release that and so I buried it and I thought like oh if I just try really really really hard to forget this memory then I'll just like forget it well that absolutely did not work and so yeah for the next 10 years there was just so much suffering that really I created and myself and I think during those 10 years I blamed that experience but now I can look back and take ownership of how like everything after that moment was like my choosing to suffer but again i was a kid i didn't know how to do that. So I tried to forget it that did not work I really just like became really numb because I was trying so hard to avoid thinking about it feeling the feelings that came with thinking about it and to numb that out require just numbing out in general so I just became like numb and almost went into like a dark hole and developed an eating disorder in high school and that was really I mean it was just looking back it was like the only thing my brain knew to do to distract myself from like the pain and shame and and intense like emotions that like were never processed from that experience so yeah so I went through that in high school and yeah i was just really kind of like closed off like felt like I was just like almost like an outsider like looking at on my own life and like other people's life and I just like I don't know I just really did not enjoy High School for the most part and yeah it was really just struggling struggling with the eating disorder struggling with feeling alone because you know I had never told anyone what I had experienced I had bottled it all up and all of those bottled and repressed emotions didn't just disappear right like it's like if we're not feeling and processing our emotions like it manifests a lot of times in physical symptoms so it started with the eating disorder and then in college like I was you know the the numbing out the masking in college I didn't mean I had a great time in college by then I had had been enough time where time and helps me make peace with it. I had you know, yeah, with more time there was like less like focused around a less emotions around it. So I had a really good time in college, but there also was a lot of like drinking and partying as a mask for all that shit. That Still buried underneath the surface. And, you know, I wanted like as, as a kid and all those years that I didn't tell anyone, it's like, I wanted to, I wanted to tell someone, but it's like it was almost like every time I like thought about it my heart way to like race so fast. And I would just feel like physically like words like physically couldn't come out. And you know, I look back at that now and I'm like, well, like what like of course I could have a curse, I could have said the words but it's like when you've I mean, for anyone listening who's experienced trauma, like, you know that like there are really strong forces and your body and its clouds your ability to really heal and listen to and do what is really best for you. It's like, yeah, it's like the emotional weight is driving you and your life and how you think and how you act and how you show up. And it's like if we're not releasing the trauma and those emotional weights than they are allowing them to really be in the driver's seat in our life. And so that's what I did for I mean, really up until college and then after college, I kind of was I had kind of healed my eating disorder in college, but I was like still worrying and thinking about food all the time. So it wasn't really healed around food and after college, since I wasn't like drinking and having that like numbing out mechanism or masking tool. I developed like really really severe anxiety and chronic back pain eczema. I was sleeping like two hours a night and I was just so anxious 24 seven that I was just like, I don't know, like, like am I going to be stuck with this forever, like, I don't know, like how I'll ever make it through my life if I feel this level of anxiety for the next you know, 80 whatever years and as all of that was going on, I was also an actuary and a job that I absolutely hated working 12 hours a day, I was completely miserable and unfulfilled there so it was just like, not only was I like not really living in alignment with like what I wanted, it's like all of those old emotional, unprocessed emotions were like still there and like bubbling up to the surface as like physical symptoms. My body was like, Oh, you can go home like like heal and give these emotions any attention like okay, well we'll be really loud and with anxiety and back being like, Listen, listen to what's going on the body, my body was screaming at me to listen, but I was so so so so so far out of my body, because I didn't want to be in my body because I hated being in my body. Because there's like, too much discomfort in my body, right? So I was like, out of my body and avoiding it. So to be in my body was like really, really uncomfortable. So anyway, so as an actuary hating my job, you know, but the thing is, it's like I wasn't all I wasn't all miserable. Like I make it sound like it was all miserable. Like there, you know, there's a lot of really great things to like, I had met Trevor, my now fiance, I had met him the summer before my senior year of college, and I was interning in Atlanta, and then I got a job in Atlanta and moved there. And like, you know, our relationship was amazing in so many ways. And I, I knew, like, a week after I met him that we were gonna get married. He's like, I don't know if I knew that quick. But anyhow, so yeah, so that like that was, you know, going really well. But at the same time, there was I had a lot of walls up between us because of what had happened and because I hadn't told anyone because I was so closed off. And because I was like, energetically closed off even sexually, like, closed off. Like they're emotionally closed off. Like, there were so many, like, barriers that were not allowing us to, like connect on the, on the deepest level that are that we could have, and also my anxiety and all of that, like it was really tough for Trevor because, you know, it's like we wanted to do these things in our life and be like, Oh, well, I can't because I'm anxious, or I can't do this because I'm anxious. And it's just like, Yeah, I just like got to the point where, you know, it was like, not vibing because I had, I had so much of my own healing to do and I thank him for having this conversation with me, but there's one One conversation that really stood out where he's just like I believe in you I believe in us but like and he said in a really sweet nice way basically like you got to get your fucking shit together like if this is going to work because like I don't know if I can do what we've been doing the way we've been doing it aka me being like anxious and bringing him into that and kind of like dragging him down into that it's like that's not going to work and he's like basically like you gotta you got to get your shit together now it's like oh my gosh like I love him so much like okay just and I had already you know wanted obviously had such a desire to heal my anxiety and all those things and now I had you know the motivation to really be the person I wanted to be for him and for our relationship and ultimately for myself to Yeah, kind of like give me a little kick in the ass and so I finally just realized like this unprocessed stuff is showing up in my relationship and it's negatively it's showing up in my health it's showing up in fucking everything but like especially it was showing up in my relationship and negatively impacting that so I finally told Trevor and he was the first person I told what happened and yeah, I like feels like feels like an exhale yeah I told him over text like I couldn't get the words out in person so I told him over text and like hey died that's the best I could do at that time so goby so that kind of like that kind of like begin the healing process a little bit. And then I started a food blog so I around that time like I was going through all this like, physical chair, I was sleeping two hours and I haven't literally lay in bed at night just like staring at the ceiling like a lot of times like crying like why body? Why won't you go to sleep? It's like I'd be so exhausted. But then the second I would lay down my body would just honestly Yeah, now looking back, I think it was actually in fight or flight mode, which is really interesting. So anyways, that was all going on. And I was like, really unhappy in my job and working like 12 hours a day, which was not helping anything. So I you know, just started, I hadn't such an interest or you could say obsession and food, kind of like through my eating disorder. And I really liked cooking and I wanted to learn how to like photograph food and all that stuff. So I started a food blog. And around that time, I found the book intuitive eating and once on I mean, that's a whole other podcast in itself. But like, long story short, I have like one on an intuitive eating journey and completely like healed my relationship with food where it was like before I was thinking and worrying about Should I show you that I got a candy clue and I can't eat dairy and like, Oh my god, how many calories is this? And oh my god, is that clean? Oh my God, is it gonna give me cancer? Oh my god, like, I can't eat that. And like, Ah, there is like, it felt like nothing in the world was safe to eat at one point, which like, sounds so ridiculous to me now because I'm just like, Oh my gosh, like I can just trust my body so much now to guide me to what to eat. And like, if it's like ice cream and popcorn for dinner, which I probably do like once, once a week, or once every two weeks, like I just have complete and total like faith and trust and my body that if I'm guided to that, and that's what feels in alignment and like it's, it's safe and it's healthy and it's wonderful and my body can totally process and do whatever it needs to do no matter what I eat so but at the time I was just yeah, just thinking and worrying about food 24 seven, and you know, like before going out to eat I would have to like look at the menu and then I would ruin all kinds of dinner dates with Trevor because I would like get something and then it would have like, a drop of dairy on it. Like I can't eat that. And then I would you know be all like, literally anxious and worrying about it for way too many hours of my life. So anyways, when on intuitive eating journey, he completely healed my relationship with food. And yeah, it's fun to like look back now because it's not even something I think about anymore. Like I've just been like, just so such an intuitive eater for several years now where I just like, eat what I want, when I want, how much I want. I'm just like listening to my body and my inner voice and intuition to guide me to what that is and like Just so like trusting and free and like confident in that process and so yeah just like confident in my body like I used to when I was like struggling with like I'm just sharing all these random details because I think it's yeah I think it's helpful to like really hear people's like authentic open stories because I know so many of my clients have been through so many similar things and I know if you're listening to this like maybe a lot of this or all this is resonating with you but I would like walk by the mirror and like look at my stomach and if it was like bulging out at all it would like ruin my day and it was just like constant obsession with food in my body and so anyways I completely healed that through like practicing intuitive eating. And you know, beyond intuitive eating I really discovered how to completely shift all of my beliefs around food which like really allowed me to develop that deep self trust with myself around food in my body confidence with food in my body and just that ability to like really like listen in to and trust my intuition. So that was kind of happening while I was like doing the food blogging thing I got really I ended up getting really really good at food photography which was really you know, fun and cool they're also like yeah, I also though like was really struggling with perfectionism at the time and I was like so friggin perfectionistic about the photos that took a lot of joy out of it but anyways there was also lots of joy in it and I you know, got paid to work with some really awesome brands and I was in some amazing like magazines like it was one time my like I had like four pages in a magazine that I like went to the grocery store sprouts and the magazine is like at this grocery store and it was so cool to like pick up a magazine off the shelf at the grocery store I go through and like open it up and see my face and my recipes and my beautiful photos so that was really really cool. So yeah, that's kind of like when all the healing started is like starting my food blog and really going on that intuitive eating journey and that just really was like my gateway into my like personal and spiritual growth journey and so through I'm trying to like think I'm like there's so much there's so many like branches to the story but I want to like yeah, keep us keep us moving along. So okay so yeah one of the intuitive eating journey healed my relationship with food I became a health coach I got certified with the integrative Institute of nutrition to become a health coach because I was like I need every woman in the world to know about this intuitive eating thing because it is so damn life changing and really through healing my relationship with food it really cleared up so much of the anxiety so much of the like physical pain the eczema the sleeping like all of that started like healing as well as I was doing the healing work and listening to my intuition around food and then realizing like oh wait I can like use the same tools I use to heal my relationship with food like listening to my intuition, shifting my belief system healing my energy through things like meditation, tapping hypnosis, like all of that just like really started coming together I was reading every spiritual personal development book under the sun so I was just really like diving in head first like I'm willing to do anything to feel better so I was like doing doing it all trying it all. I tried therapy and I had to really not knock so great experiences and you know on one hand it's like maybe I wasn't like ready for them. And on the other hand, it's just yeah, I actually resonated so much more with coaching when I hired my first life coach, which I'll talk about in a little bit but yeah, I just didn't find therapy like helpful it's like let's go back and like relive the past like I'm sure there's some therapists who aren't like that but I'm just like this is this is not like helpful and you know, it's like a lot of therapy is like talk therapy, it's like this, I can't talk my way out of the energy in my body like we can't just talk that out like it needs to be like felt out and processed out which I now know and that's why so much of my coaching really includes that like emotional processing and energetic healing because it's like what this you know, these traumas and experiences and big things and really little things get stored in our energetic system and so when we can, you know, really like go into the body and and heal and process those things and release those things. It's like we just not only feel so much better, but create such an opening to receive even more amazing stuff in our life. So yeah, I had one therapy experience was like, I don't know some kind of like weird Shit that actually was like another traumatic experience like at the end she like grabbed me up in a blanket and I'm like this is like really weird and also like I just told you that like I have trauma around being touched and now you're touching me without asking me if it's okay like Get the fuck away from me so that was interesting Sooners had my little run with therapy not my thing and I ended up hiring my first life coach in December of 2018 so you know I had yeah really begun my healing journey and it's it's all you know it's so it's hard to put you know all of this healing into one podcast but I'm just sharing what's coming up so here we go. So I hired my first life coach and it was crazy because she asked me we did an astrology reading and she said that because my there was like my kyron is like the wounded healer is in I believe like my fourth fifth house I think like I'll maybe like right on the cusp of the two of those and but basically she just asked because of the placement of my Chi Ron like did you experience abuse in your in your some type of abuse in your childhood? And I was like, Yes, how did how did you know and that just gave me a lot of permission to heal even right like it was almost like oh, like okay like it kinda like helps me like make sense of it and you know, that really started my love for astrology because it's you know, just such a beautiful tool for like understanding ourselves and finding where we can heal in our lives. So she really really helped me basically like I had so many times in my life should I tell my family should I not Should I tell me Should I not there was just like so many times that came up and you know, she really encouraged me to like or seeking freedom through telling that like you think telling them is going to heal you and give you freedom and like hate to break it to you but it's not so she really gave me tough love on that which I really appreciate because looking back it's like yeah, I'm so glad I didn't share from that place of needing to be healed from the sharing it's like the healing needs to happen internally and then if I want to share from that place they can so that was really kind of like my journey and what felt in alignment for me and she just really helped me understand like why am I letting one day of my life be like the source of everything in my life and and I was she's like you're using him and that experience to stay where you are. Like here you are 10 years later still blaming everything in your life and that is not a new I am anxiety and like not to diminish all of that. But it's like yeah, it's like I'm choosing to still be the victim when I was the victim for you know, a couple of minutes of my life yet here I am still choosing to be the victim by the stories. I'm perpetuating and telling over and over and over again and like disempowering myself by thinking that like this experience has control over me for the rest of my life like fuck that like she really helped me see that and take radical responsibility and take back my power and and develop gratitude for the experience like I'm I'm just so grateful for it now I'm so at peace with it now I have you know, almost no, I don't know like negative feelings towards it. I'm like, I'm glad it happened because as you can hear from my story like led me on this beautiful path of my life and showed me like that I can't give one day one experience anything outside of me or anyone outside of me power over my life like the power is owning this within and choosing like freedom and my own personal power over victimhood like it was a choice and I and she showed me like that I had the power to make that choice and that was just so healing and so freeing and really like motivating and so things continued on doing my business I ended up switching from an actuary job to a marketing job which was so much better it was working so much less it was way more in alignment and much easier like work and yes, I had my life coach and I was like growing my business I created a course called the subtle art of food freedom which is actually still available on my website. It's absolutely incredible if you struggle with your relationship with food, I would absolutely go check that out if you go to magnetically calm and then click work with me It should be on that page. So I helped so many women through that program and was just you know, really on this healing journey myself and helping other people and just like really like stepping into my truth into my purpose and you know, things We're getting so much better I was you know sleeping through the night my back pain completely disappeared my eczema went away my anxiety was like nearly gone and you know, things are going really really well. And I'm just like, holy shit like, look what I did like look how I you know transformed my life and it just got me even more excited to do that with my clients. And you know, part of part of like the healing journey was I randomly was on Instagram one day, and there was this giveaway this girl was doing a giveaway on her Instagram. I have no idea how I stumbled upon this for rapid transformational therapy. I had no fucking clue what that was. But I'm like this sounds this sounds good for me. I'm gonna enter the giveaway. I won the giveaway and did this free rapid transformational session with this girl who is now a friend of mine and we ended up the hurt so her name is Jasmine Elise, if you want to go check her out if you're looking for rapid transformational therapy is kind of like a hypnosis and we did rapid transformational therapy on the experience that had happened. And that was just created so much healing in my body and my energy and my mindset and in all of it. And yeah, that was like deeply powerful and amazing. And just was like just felt so divinely guided to receiving that. And then it's funny because like two years later, I'm in this mastermind or like a year or two after that I'm in this mastermind. And this girl looks so familiar. And like who is and then we ended up like talking about it. And she was the one who did the rabbit transformational session with me. And then we ended up in a mastermind together years later. And it's just like, funny, but it's not funny, because it's not a coincidence how the universe works and is always guiding us and always supporting us when we're open to open to listening. So that was really cool. And that that was really, really helpful. I would Yeah, if something if your intuition is like Ooh, baby rapid transformational therapy could help me I would definitely recommend checking that out. And Jasmine Elise is the coach who I received that from, and she actually has come on the podcast if you want to check out that episode with her. And then so as things are moving along, I told more friends, I've created more healing around it, I'm feeling so much more so much better about it. I'm really like, I'm really feeling like just healed and at peace with the experience. And, you know, coming now to last year, I pivoted my business into mindset, energy coaching. So I let go of the intuitive eating coaching and shifted into mindset energy coaching, because I was just ready to expand beyond food, I was tired of talking about food, because I was like, just don't give a fuck about worrying or talking about food anymore. I'm like I'm ready to, to, you know, help women and in more ways than just food with with life with their purpose with their business with expanding and growing in all areas of life using their mindset, energy and intuition. And so I made that pivot. Thank you was like, I'm trying to remember, it's 2021 now. So it was like, maybe like March 2020? I don't know, something like that. Anyways, the timing doesn't really matter. So I made that pivot, which was like a meeting last year, I had actually I don't even know when it was sometimes I had essentially m on my podcast. Let me actually look on Instagram because her name is changed and I want to get it right. But she has an incredible. Okay, Emily and Brant, that's her name on Instagram. Now, she came on the podcast, if you want to go find the episode with her. And she shared her story, which is absolutely incredible. And just she was just so vulnerable, sharing her experience that I just had, I just got this huge overwhelming desire to share my story. And I'm like, Oh my God, if I could just bring myself to share this story. I know it would help so many people so that really I actually just thought about this morning I was making my smoothie and thinking about recording this podcast that was really just pivotal. And it's so cool, like, reflecting it all back because it's like it's so clear that it was all unfolding exactly as it was meant to. And whatever you're going through like can you trust that it's all unfolding exactly as it's meant to for you and that what's coming is gets to be so much better and it just gets to get better and better and better and better. And we can love what is in the process of always getting better. So I had her on the podcast her she inspired me so much to want to share my story. So I kind of sat with that for several months and didn't do anything about it because again, I was like, Oh, I can't do it like it's too uncomfortable. So I just kind of like let that be and like let it unfold. And this I don't I'm trying to remember when I told my sister's but it was a few months probably after recording that podcast episode where I decided like okay, I'm going to start with telling my sister they don't want to tell my mom and dad will happen yet but I'm going to start by telling my sisters like that I just felt like called to, to share it and to take that next step. And that was an extra bonus feeling called to so I shared it with them. And that felt good, but it wasn't like oh no, I'm free because I've like told people in my family it's like I was already free because I had chosen freedom already. And that just felt like the aligned next step for me and of course, there was definitely some like freedom and healing and sharing that with you know, people I love of course, and getting their support. So I told them in December of last year 2020 I hired my now coach who I've been working with all all year since December 2020. And, you know, so much of what we worked on together was like learning to feel and process my emotions. And I actually really had no idea how to do that until I hired her. So I'm so grateful for her and really helping me do that. And the more I did that the stronger I became more resilient I became the more able to process anything and handle anything and and do anything and like through that it's like my business skyrocketed because I it's like, our energetic capacity to feel and process emotions is directly correlated to your energetic capacity to receive and so as I became the person who could feel and process and handle anything emotionally, I became the person who was like, open to receive anything and so my business skyrocketed. I was you know, really just like healing and growing and stepping into my power and competence and self trust with her support, and quit my corporate job in February. And yeah, my business has just been really doing amazing. We moved to Virginia, like life's good yada yada. I'm like, why am I sharing all the random details but this is just what I feel call to share. So I have a client call and seven minutes so I'll be wrapping things up shortly so yeah, so I also signed up for Kim anonomys well fucked woman course about two months ago, and it's funny because I had wanted to do it like a year ago and it wasn't open she only opens the course once a year. So I was like, oh, whatever I kinda like forgot about it. And then my coach was telling me like Yeah, I just like join to this course with this like really badass woman named Kim unami and I'm like, shut the fuck up. When does it start? Joseph tomorrow I'm like oh my god, like this is my sign I pulled out my credit card and bought it immediately because I'm like I know I'm Institute this like of course I was reminded of it the day before it started so I bought it took her course that program is really all about healing and harnessing your sexual energy and yeah, it just opened up so much more for me for my energy for my business for my life for things with Trevor for literally everything like I that program is absolutely incredible. And I'm applied to be an affiliate for it. So if that gets approved, I will put a link in the show notes so you can go check out her programs, because Yeah, what she teaches is just absolutely amazing. And it's like so all of this as you can kind of see it's all unfolding, it's all building up. It's all like building and building. It's like oh, I hired this coach who really helped me process my emotions. And then I took this course on like healing and processing my sexual energy for no other reason than that I felt really called to, like, take this course and like play and grow in that area of my life. And so my mom, Trevor and I went on a spontaneous trip in Naples about to a week or two ago, Naples, Florida, which is so amazing. And I was in a coffee shop there Trevor was touring some properties for work, and my mom called me and said that guy again, she has no idea what's happened up to this point called me and said, basically, the person who sexually abused me was planning on coming to the wedding. And I'm like, okay, like, talk to you later. Bye. And then I was like, Well, what the fuck he's talking to the wedding like yeah, so anyways, there's there's some dynamics that I want to share. I I'm not going to share all the details of right now, the who's in the who is in the what's like, doesn't feel like mine share right now. So anyways, I had the whole weekend in Naples, like we had the best time it was so fun. And I had moments of like deep peace and groundedness and trust in the unfolding. And then also like so many moments of like anxiety and uncertainty because I'm just like, Fuck, what am I going to do about this? Like, I knew I had to either, like, talk to my parents, or talk to the person who did this and tell him he's not coming to the wedding, or telling my parents like, this is why this person is not invited. Like, yeah, it's a no. So I talked to my coach and she just really helped me like center my energy and intentions around it because I was like, so caught up in the worst case scenario, like oh my God, when my parents find out, they're going to kill him, and then they're going to go to jail, and then my parents are going to be in jail, and my parents are going to struggle and suffer for the rest of their life because they know this and I don't want to put them through this pain. And I just had so much fear and stories around what was going to happen and there's going to be a big family buggin explosion and everything's gonna crumble and everyone's gonna go crazy and bah. So my coach helped me see Okay, good, cool Madison that's draft one of how you're predicting the experience to go like let's write a new draft. And so the new draft was I'm going to share it it's not going to be a big deal because it's not and because I'm healed from it. And they're going to love me and support me and they're not going to overreact and they're going to be able to heal from this news and it's going to bring us all closer it's going to bring my family so much closer and this is going to create allow me to then share my experience and help other people and so we centered into that grounded into that I decided that I was going to just tell them as I went away tell them what do I say to that actually like you'll know when you know like don't you don't need a plan of action like it's gonna happen you're good so I that day I just knew I'm like this is the day like it's time to do it and so I was like on the way home from who knows where running errands and I pulled over like at our apartment before going in the parking garage where there's no service and I was like okay, I'm gonna call I'm gonna call my mom and I like sat there with a racing heart and just like so uncomfortable for like an hour now like oh my god this is like annoying and like I feel like the words are not going to come and like I don't want to like share it from this like energy because that's not the energy I want to like bring into this conversation energy I want to bring into this conversation is a really solid sturdy grounded energy because that's the energy I wanted to receive back in return. So anyways, I go up to the apartment I'm like okay, I'm just gonna like be with these emotions so I was like feel I was little laugh but just letting I'm like alright, discomfort like Come and get me I was just like letting it all come up and come up and come up and I like laid on the couch and did you know what I do and my inner voice sessions with my clients which is called a beanbag release and it's basically just like releasing the trauma the old stuck energy that's coming up because it's ready to come out so I was just allowing that process allowing that process feeling and all feeling it all is so uncomfortable. And as I released more and more and more layers, I felt centered and grounded. So I had lunch and I was like okay, then I'm going to call her and so it's funny because right as I finished lunch and I was about to call my mom back because she had called me earlier that day, she called me and I was like okay, like this is clearly the time it's meant to be so so I told her and you know she reacted to so calm and so supportive and I was like brain What the fuck? Like why are you making up all these stories like of course of course she was so common so it's been a bit and if not, I knew I could handle it right like I had become the person who could handle anything, all of that healing all of that emotional processing, all of the releasing all of the Kim scores and stuff with my coach it's a get all added up to allow me to become the person who was like, ready, willing and able to, to share this and process whatever came on the other side of it and to help other people with this by sharing my story. And I also had to text the like, I don't even know what to call him, the person, the person who did the thing and make it very clear, like you aren't invited to the wedding and that was really uncomfortable like to have to reach out and have that conversation and set that boundary with this person who did this things to me but I was just like, I don't get it. don't give a fuck like hit whatever emotions he wants to have about this or not mine to manage. And honestly my parents emotions, my feelings emotions, anyone's fucking emotions that they have about this are not mine to manage and like that's emotional intelligence, like I have compassion for them, I can care about people and honor them and know that like my alignment comes first and trusting that like what's in alignment for me is in alignment for other people and like what comes up for them and their emotions is theirs to handle and not mine. So I kind of like relinquish control over other people's emotions. So I had to text this person telling them you know, don't come basically and it turns out a few days later as things have unfolded like I tried to say this in a way without revealing other people's personal details because they're not my stories to share so bear with me. Basically, there is so much more to the story I am not the only one and our family who has experienced this and someone very close to me had something similar happened to her and she hadn't told anyone in her entire life for over 40 years and me sharing gave this person who I love so much permission to share and open up and create healing around their experience and I was just like oh my goodness like of course this happened this was meant to happen and then I found that it wasn't just that person there was a whole lot of other fucking shit that has gone on for generations and generations and I realized like oh my god, like this healing wasn't just for me it was for all the other women in my family who have experienced this for generations who knows how fucking long this has been going on and for for my kids my future kids my sister's kids are I mean just for generations to come and for for you my clients for I'm just like oh my god like this is so much bigger. This is so much bigger like I literally was the person to break a cycle of generational trauma and like all of the emotions and pain and all that stuff that like came up over the years it's like it wasn't just mine it was literally years and years and years and years and generations generations and generations of like energy in my body that like I chose to be willing to be the person to heal it to feel it to release it and to now share and help others and like just declare that like this cycle fuckin stops here it's done and like I have goosebumps and the thing is because I just feel I feel so powerful I feel so strong I feel so free I feel so alive like yeah, it feels really good to know that I through my inner work and healing and my journey like I was able to become the person who ended this for my family and my kids and all the future generations and for probably so many people like listening I can just see the ripple effect of this being so massive and yeah I'm just so grateful if you're still here listening to be able to share this with you and I share this because like I think it needs to be talked about it's like this shit gets swept under the rug and I'm the head is no longer the case like I yeah, like I want you to know that like you can heal from something like this you can heal from anything and it's really a matter of like taking back your power and not letting the things outside of your anyone outside of you or anything that's happened to you or anything in your past like dictate who you are and what you get to have. And so just to kind of summarize the thing is that like you know, really helped me heal from this in case you are someone who's looking for healing or you know, someone who's looking for healing, coaching Kim unami, small fucked woman course, rapid transformational therapy, EFT tapping the inner voice sessions are the symbol of a breaking life changing like you can just heal and release so much and like really develop your trust with yourself and your intuition which like those two things were really what allowed me to like come to this place of just like such peace and acceptance and even gratitude on the whole experience and now a willingness and openness to like, share this and help other people yeah, it just feels really good and then you know my energy healing rituals and meditation gnosis tapping all the things. So I would Yeah, feel into if you are looking for like healing and support around something like this, like check in with your intuition. Ask what you need us what the best next step would be for you and trust that and you know, You can and will get through it and like what's on the other side is so yeah so much better than your brain well once you once you The thing is possible and you know like the energetic and mindset like shifts like was like becoming the person who could really feel and process my emotions, forgiveness, forgiving me experience forgiving myself forgiving my parents forgiving this person forgiving it all and seeing it as just a moment in time. And that is literally not part of my now life unless I perpetuate it and make it to be like it's over. It's the past it is done. And of course it doesn't. When you haven't processed and felt and released the emotional beanbags, it doesn't feel over because your body still thinks it's happening now because it's trying to protect you and it's in fight or flight mode. But it's like when you can heal and release that you're able to come to the place in your body and in your mind and in your soul. And then your energy that like yeah, that is not in my experience anymore. Like it's not in the now. It's not part of what is and then you know, following my intuition throughout really the whole the whole journey and like you know, it's like it's all the pieces, the pieces added up, added up to me being able to literally heal generational trauma and now getting to share this with you and help so many other people. So there you have it, I'm going to leave it at that because I got to get on some calls with my clients, I want to one tell you if this impacted you and you feel called to share with me or want to connect with me, send me a message on Instagram if you know someone this episode could help please please please send this to them. I would love for this episode to reach as many people as possible and help as many people as possible and like in this fucking shit for people and families and and generations to come. And then the last couple things I'll say is there are two ways you can work with me right now. The first is I have private coaching spots open. This is for the woman who is really, really ready to step into her next level of personal power, self trust, confidence, emotional processing, boundaries, like this is the real, this is the real shit. And like this is what opens up your energetic capacity to be able to receive what you desire and to receive so much more than your mind can even know as possible and doing it in a way that feels really really good for you. And just by following your intuition and your desire. So if that's speaking to you at send me a DM on Instagram, I am fucking ready to help you like we are going to create so much magic together and I'm so excited. The other thing is ritual queen. This is my on demand library of energy healing rituals. So like meditation, tapping, gnosis, visualization, and all of these rituals are really designed to get you out of your head and into your body and create that like healing. Like all this healing that I've done, like talked about in this story, it's like that's incorporated into my coaching. And you know, a huge part of what like helped me on my journey was my rituals was my meditation was healing my energy, because when you heal your energy, it's like you're releasing those, those that old stuck energy and emotions. And then that makes you an open channel to receive clear guidance from your intuition. It needs to be more of an open channel to receive what you desire and what you want to manifest, and so much more. So there's a free trial for ritual Queen, and then it's only $11 a month, so it's a fucking no brainer, everybody, everybody needs to be on Rachel green, I use it like, probably four times a week. And actually, this past week, as I've been really navigating all this, like really, really intense, like boundaries and conversations, like I've been using it even more and it has just created so much peace and groundedness and clarity and my energy and yeah, it's absolutely incredible. So I would highly recommend going and joining that it's free for seven days, so why not? And then if you really want that, like deeper, more personalized level of support and you want that one on one, coaching and you're ready, you're freakin ready to. I mean most a lot of what I help my clients with is to get paid to live their best life yes to do heal and release the trauma and energetic blocks and all of that of course, and to get paid to live your best life who the fuck doesn't want that. And that's really what my life is all about right now. It's just like I'm living in alignment with my inner voice with my truth, what I truly desire and then I'm attracting and magnetizing Abundance because it's just who I am and like that's how it gets to work. That's how it gets to be. So I will leave you with that. Thank you so much for listening. I am so grateful to have you here. Feel free to reach out on Instagram if this episode brought up anything that you would like to share with me over my DMS. And that is all I will see you on the next episode. Thank you so much for listening to the magnetically you podcast. If this episode served you I ask that you share it with someone who could make a difference for or share it on social media and tag me magnetically you make sure to hit subscribe so you don't miss any of the magic. And it would mean the world to me if you would leave a review on iTunes. Thank you so so much from the bottom of my heart for being here and I will see you in the next episode.

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